One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
