I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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