Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
