I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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