He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
