my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
