i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
