What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
