This is not my ceiling
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
