dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I party with great urgency now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
