So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just had sex on a roof
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
