marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
