i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
