Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
