We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
