The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
