If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn