I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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