I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders