I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
