I'm really into asian looking animals
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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