Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Randomize
