six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
