How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
