dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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