ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
