He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm both gender and math confused
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
