I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you would pick up someone in the library
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
