All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
