just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Semen is not good for contacts.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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