I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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