Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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