would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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