well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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