I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
