I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
