It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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