i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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