Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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