remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
