did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.