i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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