I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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