so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We're hate flirting, damnit.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
