She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
