Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
