There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
