I think I died a long time ago.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
