So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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