you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
