Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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