i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
