I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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