i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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