I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
