She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
