Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
